He Should Consume Us

Winter break is officially over. Oldest has gone back to school to finish her last semester of teaching. Youngest is gone. My husband is duck hunting with his buddies for his birthday. It's just me. And my grand-dogs.  Lady Bella and Sir Tucker. I refer to their Sir names because they are dogs that demand an heir of aristocracy. They think they are to be treated like royalty.

Typically this time of year depresses me to no end. For whatever reason, this year, the quiet of this new season brings me peace. I need to be still. Slow down. Listen to what the Lord is trying to teach me in this hectic life.

I read the greatest quote yesterday. It was actually from Winnie the Pooh. "Sometimes the best way to get where you are going is to start without knowing where that is". Who knew a bear from my childhood could be so wise? We are all so busy rushing to and fro. Trying to reach our destinations. Monetary wealth. Academically gifted children. Staging the perfect home. Instagramming perfect pictures. Sculpting the perfect body. But is that our final destination?

The disciples had no idea where they were going with Jesus. He simply asked them to follow Him. I feel certain that those men wanted to know the end goal. The purpose. The rewards for their obedience. They knew their current lives and occupations were not fulfilling them. They met Jesus and dropped everything to follow Him.

Peter was a gruff fisherman who probably had foul language on occasion. Yet when He met Jesus he instantly knew that Jesus was the Messiah. He dropped his livelihood and all of it's belongings to follow Jesus. Peter was also married. He felt so compelled to follow the Lord that he left his beloved behind. And, yet, during the last days of Jesus life Peter denied Him. Even though he knew from the depths of his soul this man was his Savior.

I bet most of us are like Peter. I know I was. I have believed in Jesus my entire life. During my 20's and most of my 30's I denied Him.  I still said I believed. Attended church. Worked on parish committees. But my agenda was about me. And only me. I was busy raising a family. Accumulating worldly treasures. Building our castle. My church attendance said I was a Christian. We openly talked about Jesus and taught Jesus to our young daughters. But our walk did not demonstrate that we were literal followers of Christ.

I recently read an article about the disciples and their lives. Fascinating. In the article the author gave direct and precise definitions of what an actual disciple is. What an Apostle is.  A disciple is someone who follows Christ. An apostle is someone who sets forth into the world and proclaims the gospel of the Lord.

After we say "Yes" to following God that's only the beginning. He should stir something deep in our souls. A feeling so strong that we are called to go forth into the world proclaiming that Jesus Christ is Lord. An urge to tell everyone who this King is. He should consume us. We should feel like we are going to bust if we do not proclaim to the world that this Prince has rocked our world. Changed our lives.

One of the things I love about Christ is that He is our kindred Redeemer. He knew Peter was going to deny Him. He prophesied as such. Yet Jesus loved Him through all of his mistakes. Can you even imagine that kind of love? Peter spent the remainder of his life praising and preaching Jesus. When he was crucified he felt unworthy to die on the cross upright. So he was hung on the cross upside down to die!

I say that I have that kind of love for the One who saved me. But when it comes down to it could I be tortured for my faith? Could you? When I turn on the news it becomes increasingly clear to me that one day I may be put in that position. One day soon you may be in that predicament. It's not a far fetched statement in the least. Will you deny your birth right to the throne? Will you be willing to die for the King of the Most High just because you believe?

When we start out walking with Jesus most of us have no idea where we are going. Just like Pooh. But we certainly know where we have been. When the walk starts to require more of us? Even though we've said yes. Our salvation is secured. After seeing Christ for who He is? We often retreat back to the familiar. I, personally, do not believe that we have that luxury any longer.

What is your final destination? Will you proclaim to the bitter end that you are covered in the blood of Jesus Christ? You are the royal daughter/son of the Most High! Will you secure your rewards in heaven by going forth and proclaiming Jesus Christ is Lord?

Or will you, like Peter, deny your Savior? Will Jesus love us if we falter? Absolutely! But as our country becomes more anti-semitic the climate towards Christianity is beginning to heat up. A country that was once founded on 'In God We Trust' is now trying to remove the foundation. The house will fall. We must know who we are in Christ. It is time to proclaim our spot in the Royal household.

"For the things which are seen are temporal, but the things that are not seen are
eternal"-2 Corinthians 4:18

I Need A Do Over

As we left our home early Saturday morning, our daughter in the back seat, I said a silent prayer. I couldn't help but drift back to that balmy August five years ago when we loaded her things. Pointed the car west and took her to boarding school.

The anticipation. The excitement. The fear of the unknown. The doubts my husband and I had. "Was she too young? Are we making a mistake?" I specifically remember praying over our family that morning. We held hands in our den. We prayed that the Lord would bless her. Keep her safe. Let her prosper.

Five  years later, it was like déjà vu all over again. We stood in our kitchen. We held hands. My husband prayed over us. We prayed for guidance, wisdom, understanding, and healing. We loaded into the packed vehicle and headed west.

The entire drive I just kept talking (in my head) to God. "Lord, what could I have done differently? What did I miss Lord? You were in our home, Lord. Her whole childhood you were there! What did I miss?!" This kid could not possibly have been loved anymore than she was. Is. She's beautiful. Popular. Athletic. Academically sharp as a whip. Ridiculously funny. My rant continued "Lord, I had ONE job. To raise moral, God-fearing, loving, kind, respectful kids. Did I fail? What did I miss, Lord?! Explain it to me because I need a do over!!"

The miles passed by. I stared out the window. The topography had shifted from soybean fields and tobacco barns to highways and hills. Listening to the hum of the road I heard Him in the inner most part of my soul.  "This isn't about you. This is about bringing her back to Me".

In a little over three hours we arrived. Our daughters new home for the next 30 days. As we checked her in I felt like I was outside of my body watching everything in slow motion. Memories of the first day of nursery school. The first day of kindergarten. Dropping her off at Camp Seafarer. Middle school. Boarding school. College. "Rest. I have her" was all I could hear ringing--no, pounding-in my ears.

On the ride back home Robin and I were silent. Pretty unusual for us. We have our best conversations in the car. This day? Well, each of us was lost in our own thoughts. Did we fail as parents? Were we too rigid? Is she right,  is she just like everyone else in college? Is this the right thing? Are we jumping the gun? What if it doesn't work? What now?  Will life ever be the same again?   "Rest" He whispered.

I'm weary. Sad. Yet I am so proud of our girl. I'm excited to see what the Lord has in store for her. How will He use her? Will she listen to Him? Will she wait patiently on His help? Or will she just go through the motions? A means to an end. Appease us in order to get back to her college life of sorority sisters, boyfriends, and frat parties.

They say the first week is the hardest. No communication what so ever. After 7 days she can call us.  Miracles can happen in 7 days. God created the world in 7 days. We are cautiously optimistic.

It's a waiting game, really. I love the way Anne Graham Lotz describes what happens if we try to speed up the waiting. "If we grow impatient with waiting and take matters into our own hands, we will be in trouble. But if we wait on God, we will be blessed." 

At this point there really is nothing left to do. Be Still. Pray. Wait on the Lord. I know with all that I am His hand is all over this. At the end of the day? I'm still just a Mama. A woman who wants to wrap her arms around her beautiful girl. Tell her everything is going to be okay. But I can't do that. So I wait. I trust. Trust that she can feel all of the love that so many have for her. Trust that she feels Christ pulling her back to Him.

When I was a teenager I would occasionally share juicy gossip with my mother. She used to always say "Lillibet, don't judge anothers walk until you've hiked in their shoes". Ain't that the truth, Jane. You were far wiser than I gave you credit for.

The older I get I'm realizing, in the big scheme of things, we have no control. None what so ever. We can guide our kids, love them, provide the very best for them, raise them to treat others as you would like to be treated. But in the end? The decision is out of our hands. We have to let them go. Trust that God has them. Even through the poor decisions they make.

I view peoples circumstances differently now. I don't judge. I try not to have an opinion..admittedly this is hard for me :-).  And I most certainly have empathy. The shoe is on the other foot now. It's a tight squeeze. It hurts. There's a lesson in all of this.  Today? I am just trying patiently to rest in Him.

"The LORD is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble, And He knows those who take refuge in Him."-Nahum 1:7

I've Got Nothing

I wake up every morning asking the Lord what He would have me write for the day. If I have nothing I know He means for me to be still. Many sunrises I have a lot to say. Many mornings I argue with God. "Lord, I can't write that! What will people think?" Usually it is on those mornings that I feel like I will suffocate. I will loose my breath if I don't write what He has put on my heart. At the same time, it is often difficult to expose all of our fleshly imperfections. Our dirty laundry. I am trying so hard to be obedient.

Some mornings you may find there is no post. Those are the mornings He hasn't laid anything on my heart. Lately, however, He has put so much that many days I don't think I can do what He is asking of me.

elizabethcondrey.blogspot.com  has been read by over 22,000 people. I'm in awe of God. People are hurting. Families are living in silence. Evidently the Lord thought the redemption of my life will speak to someone. Or maybe it's the ridiculousness of my life that makes people feel better about themselves :-).

This week has been a week that I just didn't feel I was ready to write what God has whispered to me. Not yet. I will. Right now I need to step back and breathe. Be thankful. Grateful. Appreciative. Right now I truly need to wait on Him.

Despite their imperfections love your family unconditionally. No questions asked. Even when we can't see what God is doing behind the scenes? He is there. He is making all things new. He is preparing bounty and beauty that we can not begin to fathom. Hug your kids. Hug your spouse. Thank Him for all of it. For without it there is no story. No testimony. No living word of Christ.
 

"His mercies are new every morning"-Lamentations 3:23

The chaos called: my life

I'm sitting in my favorite chair watching the sunset. The cold has set in. Cold the likes of which my rural Southern town seldom sees. This is the kind of cold that drives you inside. Makes you sleepy. Calls you to get under a warm blanket. Hibernate until it has passed.

I'm not sure whether it's the cold or our life's events that have exhausted me. I'm tired to the bone. Not wrecked with grief. Rather, worn slam out. Spent. I need a change of scenery but there doesn't appear to be one in sight. Sigh. Pull blanket up further around my post middle aged middle.

If I told you what my family has been through this fall and winter? Truly, you wouldn't believe me. One of my husbands partners recently said "you seriously can't make up your life". No. No,we can't.

The highlights? Well, since you're curious I'll entertain you.

From September until the end of October my husband and I spent every weekend traveling 700 miles round trip to be with my terminally ill father. George entertained us weekly by being cantankerous, belligerent, and snarky. 

I had a kidney biopsy, which was great fun, in October. Only to discover that, thanks to Lupus, I'm in the very early stages of kidney problems.

The beginning of November our oldest daughter was hospitalized with bacterial pneumonia.  A CT scan showed that a lobe in her lung had collapsed. 

Several weeks later I had an allergic reaction to nova cane. My throat closed. Completely shut. Happened  twice in 2 weeks. This led me from the ER to the ENT. Only to discover that I am now allergic to all "canes". Thanks Lupus. Oh, and as an added bonus? If I were to contract a life threatening illness? I will be unable to receive the country's only rescue med. Why? Drum roll..because it has a "cane" in it. So that's comforting. 

Oh, yeah, not sure how I will ever have pain free dental work or surgery again. Still working on that one. That's right, numbing medicines and anesthesia involve what? You betcha, "canes". Scratch my bucket list of a future face lift. 

Oh, and yippee, I also got to go thru a mini endoscopy--medicine free--so they could look at the tissue in my throat. That was fantastic. Guess what they found? A hiatal hernia that is pushing up into my esophagus. Awesome! 

Sometime in November, thanks to my good friend Lupus, my neurologist let me know that it is probably not a good idea for me to drive alone long distance any longer. My Lupus migraines have, evidently, the propensity to cause little stroke like episodes. Woohoo! Good to know.

The week of Thanksgiving was spent moving my dad from Virginia to North Carolina. He passed away after being with us only 2 weeks. It was beautiful, sad, and stressful. Draining.

Christmas Eve we were awoken to two men trying to break into our home. My husband met them at the door with a shotgun. From 12:30-3AM we had 8 police cars swarming our neighborhood.   One was captured. The  other man is still at large. So, that was fun. And comforting too. A silent night it was not.

New Years weekend we spent burying my father. During the service, in the pouring rain, we discovered my fathers urn was too large for the plot he's sharing with our mother. Fortunately the driving rain had left most funeral goers inside the chapel. Those who braved the rain got to witness the jamming of George, sideways, into his new condo.

Finally, our youngest daughter. Well, she made deans list her first semester of college. And let's be honest, A +++ in sorority life. She decides to let us know, via letter from the university on December 23,  that she has to complete 48 hours of community service. By January.  Due to two drinking tickets this past Fall. 

And through it all? You'll still probably find me in my favorite chair tomorrow morning. Waiting to see God's glorious sun rise.  Amongst the chaos called my life?  I am thankful. 

Thankful I had the privilege of serving my dad. Thankful for the support of incredible in-laws. Thankful that this body can still, most days, rise to see the sky. Thankful that my oldest daughter recovered. Thankful that my youngest daughter is on the road to recovery. Thankful for a husband who loves his family enough to protect them at any cost.  Thankful for a brother willing to deal with urns after the fact. Thankful for humor and sarcasm. Thankful for my family.

Mostly I'm thankful that the enemy thinks my walk with Christ is worth trying to destroy. I think many of us think that when we say "Yes, Lord" our lives are going to be full of rainbows, skittles, and unicorns. A spiritual utopia of sorts. When our world comes crashing down we cry out "Why, Lord? Why me?" Well, why not me?

What I've learned is that the enemy will try to discourage us. Destroy us. And when he can't he will try to make our lives look like a wreck to the rest of the world. "Yep, those bible bouncing Wooten's? You know the ones right? What a joke". Actually the joke is on those that miss all that God has to offer them. The extreme privilege of knowing that this life is temporal. This too shall pass. But my time with God in eternity will not pass me by.

Under the circumstances I really think I would have completely cracked. If I had not understood the bigger picture. If I did not understand what the enemy was doing. If I did not have utter faith that God was and is in control of my life. Not just one little part I'm willing to give Him on Sunday. But my whole life. The good. The bad. The ugly. He has me in the palm of His hand. And, thanks be to God, for that!

"They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the LORD to care for them."-Psalm 112:7

Yes, He's That Into You

One of our daughters is going through something she believes is bigger than life. My heart aches for her. Breaks for her. But it's not bigger than life. God is bigger than life. Not this.

Why is it that we always think we know better than the One who knows us best? Think about that for a moment. If the Lord created us. Knew who we were before we were conceived doesn't He know us? If the Creator of the universe knows every single solitary hair on our heads don't you think He "gets" us? Yes! Of course He does.

Do you remember, several years ago,  the movie "He's not that into you" ? The movie takes you through different dating scenarios. A lame comedy meant to help women across the country read the men in their lives. It became a national phenomena.

What if we taught our kids how into us God is? Can you imagine?! If we understood from our very core that God had our backs, so to speak. Cherished us. Adored us. Would never leave or forsake us. What if we were taught that from the get go? The world would look different. The normal drama our kids, teenagers,college kids, and young adults experience and witness would look exactly like what it is: chaos. There is no peace in chaos. None what so ever.

When I recognized how much the Lord adored me? My world view changed. I understood that the busyness of the world is the enemy's biggest lie. If he can convince mothers, fathers, teens, college kids, and young adults that they need to be "doing" something all of the time? Well, then we don't stop and rest. We don't have time to listen to the heed of the Holy Spirit.

The enemy has convinced young people across the globe that wealth, fame, and partying are the answer to happiness. When in reality, if you've been there at some point in your life, you know is a lie. In fact, it's not happiness it's literally bondage. You become slave to keeping up and acquiring. When in fact, if you believed you were enough in the first place, God would be enough.

My college aged daughters like to remind me that "Mama, God is not the answer to every single solitary thing in life. Can you just take God out of it and talk normal?" Guess what? No, actually, I can't. I've lived the busyness. I've lived the lies of the enemy. I've acquired. I've compared. I've envied. I'm coveted. Done it all. It left me in the depths of despair.   The pit of hell, really. And in that despair I met my Maker. And, yes, He's that into me. The feeling is mutual.

"But those that trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on eagles wings."-Isaiah  40:31

Amazingly It Was Easy

My whole life I've  thought funerals were tragic. Sad. Depressing. In fact, during my mother's funeral I was so wrecked with grief I don't remember half of it.

New Years day we packed up and traveled to Virginia to bury my father. As I sat in the church that my brother and I were raised, married in, my nephew baptized, my mother buried, and now my father I felt completely at peace.

My brother and I had a lot to work through. A childhood that was often filled with confusion. Gods timing was, as always, perfect. 

The last weeks we had with our Dad were precious. Resolution. Much love. And much sadness too. But it was perfectly orchestrated by God. The joy was recognizing I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have to mend fences or mince words. I was just still. I obeyed the Lord. I loved my dad unconditionally without reserve. Amazingly it was easy.

My dad had picked out the scriptures and music for his service. He had also given us strict instructions on where he wanted us to spend the day before the funeral. And where he wanted us to eat dinner. He wanted us to gather our spouses, children, and in laws to celebrate. Drink a martini in his honor. Enjoy being together. And so we did. And he would have loved it.

After the service my brother's lovely mother in law had us all for brunch. I glanced over at my brother. Sitting by himself in the corner of the dining room. He was so solemn. So sad. He shared with me that, due to our 7 years difference in age, I had left. Gone to college. Never came back. He had a relationship with our father. One that I would never understand. He was grieving.

Funerals are a funny thing. They bring forth so many emotions. Sadness. Regret. Grief. Closure. But shouldn't they bring joy? Joy that God gave you that person for that chapter in your story. Joy knowing that good or bad God chose that person to teach you, touch you, write your life.  Joy knowing that person was appointed by God himself to help you become who you are. And, hopefully, joy knowing the deceased is in heaven.

My dads funeral weekend brought me great joy. Cousins laughing. In laws toasting. Bread broken. Spouses laughing. Siblings sharing a chapter that has finally been written. God showing us what He looks like when we forgive. When we love despite it all. 

God speed dad. I hope we made you proud. I look forward to the day I see you again. Please give mom my love.

"Because Your loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You"-Psalm 63:3

Everything New