The psalmist tells us in 46:10 to "Be still and know that I am God". Some days you can do nothing but just that. Be still. Take it all in. Trust that He is God.
Every day as of late is a roller coaster. Or should I say every hour? The uncertainty of the longevity or brevity of illness. It changes hour by hour. I try to diligently recognize that He is God. It's not difficult. Finding God, that is. Being still? That's the challenge. I want results. My flesh wants to fix it. I want Doctors to give me finite answers even when there are none.
Today I was still. I got a manicure. A pedicure. It was pure bliss. I put my head back, closed my eyes, and let the massage chair work on tired and sore shoulder blades. I didn't return phone calls or answer texts unless it pertained to my Father. I tried to regroup, recharge, re-energize in preparation to head back to Virginia.
I received an invitation to a party next Thursday night. I have no idea what my life will be next Thursday. Will I be in Virginia? North Carolina? The hospital? Burying my Dad? So I responded to my friend "I just don't know". Another friend has asked me to help organize a party in October. I can't think past Thursday. Actually, I'm having a hard time remembering what day it is. I've become that person.
My day off from death was to be spent playing catch up from the past week. I had an insanely long "to do" list. We are hosting a party in December. My husband asked me to go ahead and secure the cleaning lady for that week. I can't, for now, plan further than 24 hours at a time. I know he's right but it's exhausting just thinking about it.
Eight days ago today I was like everyone else in the world. Leading a busy and sometimes hectic life. Today I just want to hibernate, be alone, have time to process. {And} yet at the same time I'm homesick for my friends. For laughter. For a routine. My " to do" list seems overwhelming. Unaccomplishable. Insignificant. Yet life has not stopped just for me. I must go forward.
Robin and I ran through the Chick-fil-a drive thru on the way to the hospital yesterday. They have wonderfully crushed ice AND Diet Dr. Pepper--be still my heart. While we were leaving I noticed the giant topiary cow. It made my day. No, probably my week. I'm not sure why. Maybe the obscurity of it. Maybe just that it was a cow. And it was a bush. Shaped like a cow. It just brought me pure and complete joy. It made me smile. It made me giggle.
For the first time in my adult walk with The Lord I understand the why of "Be still and know that I am God". He's asking us to savior it all, take it in. To recognize scents, smells, flavors, beauty, the temperature, cow topiaries. It's all Him. When we recognize that fact we can stop. We can associate people, moments in time, with things and places before us, and for us, in that exact moment.
My Dad is going to be with The Lord for all eternity in heaven. I'm thinking this final chapter God is writing for us. Daddy wins: new body and being with the King forever. We are the ones stuck here after the fact. Maybe we are to be still so that we recognize God orchestrated it all? So that we are able to recall these moments in time with love and peace?
Be still today. Just for a minute or two. Give recognition to God for all that you have. Acknowledge that your time & your talents are gifts from above. Use them wisely. Be still long enough to appreciate a cow that is a bush that is a topiary. Be still long enough to say "Thank you, Lord. "
"My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."-2 Corinthians 12:9
