It Is Well With My Soul

I sat in the pristine examination room listening to the young Doctor. My hunch, for the last several months, had been right. My husband asked direct questions. The doctor responded "your life expectancy, as far as how many years, depends on if the tests show damage to the lungs and heart. We will know more after the tests are done."  Robin replied "You're sure? You are confident this is scleroderma?" The young doctor replied "I would bet money on it but not my house".  As he was leaving the room he turned back towards us.  "I'm really  surprised that you are both so calm. Most of my patients are not". 

As we left Duke I told my husband how weird it was. To be given another diagnosis. The others have been annoying, frustrating, and inconvenient. But never so final. This one, however, has a very short life expectancy if I have lung or heart involvement. There simply are no firm treatment options. A time limit of sorts. Me against it. 

Amazingly we weren't upset. Actually it was no different than any other day. Although a bit  surreal. We talked about the importance of moving forward with all of our future plans. But mostly we talked about the fact that we are completely at peace. I believe with all that I am that I will see the Lord before my family has to bury me.

Ten years ago I would have been an absolute wreck. I would have been paralyzed with fear. Felt sorry for myself. Probably would have been mad at the world and everyone around me. Today? Well, today is a gift.

I've been fighting with my body long enough to know that one auto immune disease or connective tissue disease morphs into another. The really remarkable thing? With each progression of Lupus? Each digression of my body? My life has become more complete. With each diagnosis I have seen more of Jesus. The worse it gets?  The more complete my life becomes. And maybe that has been His plan for me all along. 

This summer I've spent a lot of time in Corinthians. I just love this scripture: 

"But he said to me, 

'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, 

so that the power of  Christ may rest upon me."-

2 Corinthians 12:19

I used to think people who talked about their illness were whiners. But I finally understand the biblical viewpoint of illness or any hardship, actually. God, through the Holy Spirit, is able to work through us when we are weak. That weakness can be a broken heart, an illness, a problem marriage, a problem job, a difficult child, etc.. When we hand it to Jesus? Then, and only then, will we be able to let God be seen through us. 

Giving up control is difficult. Truly believing that God is with us requires great faith. I've found that it's only scary when He's not walking beside us.  I may only be here 3 more years. Or I may still be here in ten. There may be a cure. Or there may not be. I can be angry with my parents for giving me lousy genes. Or I can be thankful that they gave me this amazing life. I choose to have faith that He already has my plan in place. I trust His direction.

Today? I keep moving. I keep loving the people in my life. I try to show Jesus to everyone I meet. Admittedly I often fail miserably. Today, though,  I laugh.  I try not to worry about tomorrow because it has enough worries of its own.

Today? Well, today it is well with my soul.

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in 
Him"-Psalm 62:5