My husband and I rarely disagree. We are currently at an impasse. We both envision two different solutions to my long term care. Our future. Ideally I'd like to downsize. Buy a patio home in the town he works in and a bigger place at the beach. The health care facilities are excellent and he has offices in both locations.
This past year our oldest daughter lived with us while she completed her student teaching. It has been wonderful having her here. And I'll be honest, with my in laws outside of town now and my husband working 30 minutes away? Having our daughter here has been a security blanket for me. But in August she will begin teaching. It's time for her to begin her own life.
Therein lies the impasse. I want to move now. I don't want to be left behind. My husbands reality is that we have one more child to get through college. It is our reality. But I don't like it. Quite frankly it brings me great anxiety thinking about being in town without a family member around the corner.
Yesterday while riding home from the beach--and let's be honest pouting like a child--I opened my bible. This was the scripture I turned to:
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."-Phillipians 4:6
I've been mulling this one over for a good 24 hours. The Lord tells us not to worry about anything. Instead pray about not just our worries but every single thing. Okay, easy enough. He tells us to come to Him with all of our needs. He wants us to appreciate and thank Him for all that we have. Guess what? He never says He will give us what we think we need.
Read it again. "Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done". "What the heck, Lord?!" Was my first fleshly thought. Hmmm. So, I come to Him with thanksgiving. I present my needs to Him. Then what? And if we are being candid? Why bother, Lord? I mean what's the point if You're not going to give us our wants and wishes? Gasp, did I just ask that? Oh come on, you know you were thinking it too!
I have pondered this scripture now for twenty four hours. I've prayed for a fresh revelation. In the early dawn hours I believe He has answered me. To trust God with our lives we must be absolutely dependent upon Him. As we come before His throne we are submitting our lives to Him. We are petitioning to His Majesty our desires. Our wants. Our wishes. Our dreams. And like every attentive parent He lovingly hears our requests.
But He also wants us to appreciate what we DO have versus what we don't. He wants to hear all about it. Engage in conversation with Him. He promises to be the Great I am. He never promises us "I will". He's certainly capable. But He doesn't promise it. Probably because the more we pray the less of the world we want.
There is my revelation! I have been more in the world than I have been the word. Nine times out of ten when I am not reading my bible and praying daily my fleshly needs and wants slowly creep in. When that happens? Well, I want more of the world and less of Him. I'm trusting my flesh to guide my future. For me, at least, this is never a good thing. My fleshly desires can never be quieted. I always want more. If I'm in His word daily? Talking it out with Jesus? Well, I truly come to rely on His will for me. Less of me and more of Him.
This past week it's been more of me and less of Him. I don't understand how He works. All I know is that He does. As long as I walk with Him daily He won't leave me behind.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding"- Proverbs 3:5
