A toddler is running, while laughing and giggling, straight towards a cliff. The parents are crying out to the toddler "STOP! STOP!" The child keeps running, curls bouncing. Her speed increases and she looks back over her left shoulder gaining speed and giggling. "We are begging you STOP! There's a cliff! STOP!". In that moment everyone watches in horror. Screams come out silent. The toddler goes over.
I wake up heart pounding, body drenched, fists clenched every single night. I haven't written in a week because I've been consumed. Consumed with the process of letting go. Quite frankly, I just didn't think anyone wanted to hear about it. But it's all I can think about. I have no idea whether it is the enemy tormenting my dreams or the Lord helping me walk it out.
When my mind is set on automatic rewind it's not healthy. There's that word again -- it consumes me. It doesn't matter if you are saying an amicable or heartbreaking goodbye to a child, a friend, a spouse or a parent. We all experience the emotion. It hurts. Letting go. Closing the door. It hits so many hot buttons, doesn't it? Sadness, regret, guilt, anger, insecurity, love, fear and even betrayal.
For my own mental health I decided to see what God says about these emotions. The key for me, since I have been called "cray cray" on several occasions, is to only listen to what God's word says. If I base my emotions on his holy word I know it will stand true. If I leave scripture out of the equation? Sure enough, you get a middle aged short crazy woman who can't control her feelings.
First and foremost we are to only think about what is righteous and true. God’s peace guards our hearts from fear, anxiety and worries, right? But what am I missing? Why is it that so many believers (me) can be under His divine and perfect peace one week and then other weeks we are emotionally bankrupt?
Freeheart.com did a fantastic piece several years ago on why Believers miss out on God's perfect peace. Peace that is promised to us. I went through all seven reasons. They hit home. Below you will find my paraphrase of several.
1) When your mind focuses or stays on God and what He has spoken through His word, you experience perfect peace. But when we focus on our circumstances, challenges, impossibilities long enough, we loose our peace. We must choose to abide in God’s word continually. Isaiah 26:3 says “You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.”
2)Obedience and total surrender is what God desires. Cut off people and things that are hindering your walk with God. It may be hard, but do it, you will thank God later. In Isaiah 48:18 we are told “Oh, that you had heeded My commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river, And your righteousness like the waves of the sea.”
3)Unbelief will render our faith ineffective. How many times do we not put into practice the belief of God’s word and His promises? We have the head knowledge but do we believe it deep in our soul? In our hearts? Gods word and his truth doesn't enter our hearts. This keeps us from the will of God. We do our will. Unbelief prevents us from experiencing many of God’s promises and blessings including His divine peace. Hebrews 3:19 says “So we see that they could not enter in because of unbelief.”
4) Ephesians 3:17-19 speaks of being rooted and grounded in love. We know that we are dearly loved by God and God cares for us. But do we continually abide in this knowledge? Is this truth deeply rooted in our hearts? The word of God says to abide in His love. Cherish and rejoice in the truth that God’s love for us is unfailing and constant. He will never leave us nor forsake us. Failure to be rooted in His love and to make it our intention can result in insecurity and instability. It will eventually lead to fear and loss of peace. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”
I'm so thankful that God offers us mercy and grace through the cross. I'm humbled that He uses a wretch like me to speak of my imperfections and my short comings. I have no idea if I help anyone or not. I do know that writing it out is cathartic. A praise and worship of sorts. Putting everyday life to paper helps me see the bigger picture. The one where I fall short and He fills it in larger than life.
"God's mercy is bigger than any of your mistakes"
-Lamentations 3:22-23
