I Need A Do Over

As we left our home early Saturday morning, our daughter in the back seat, I said a silent prayer. I couldn't help but drift back to that balmy August five years ago when we loaded her things. Pointed the car west and took her to boarding school.

The anticipation. The excitement. The fear of the unknown. The doubts my husband and I had. "Was she too young? Are we making a mistake?" I specifically remember praying over our family that morning. We held hands in our den. We prayed that the Lord would bless her. Keep her safe. Let her prosper.

Five  years later, it was like déjà vu all over again. We stood in our kitchen. We held hands. My husband prayed over us. We prayed for guidance, wisdom, understanding, and healing. We loaded into the packed vehicle and headed west.

The entire drive I just kept talking (in my head) to God. "Lord, what could I have done differently? What did I miss Lord? You were in our home, Lord. Her whole childhood you were there! What did I miss?!" This kid could not possibly have been loved anymore than she was. Is. She's beautiful. Popular. Athletic. Academically sharp as a whip. Ridiculously funny. My rant continued "Lord, I had ONE job. To raise moral, God-fearing, loving, kind, respectful kids. Did I fail? What did I miss, Lord?! Explain it to me because I need a do over!!"

The miles passed by. I stared out the window. The topography had shifted from soybean fields and tobacco barns to highways and hills. Listening to the hum of the road I heard Him in the inner most part of my soul.  "This isn't about you. This is about bringing her back to Me".

In a little over three hours we arrived. Our daughters new home for the next 30 days. As we checked her in I felt like I was outside of my body watching everything in slow motion. Memories of the first day of nursery school. The first day of kindergarten. Dropping her off at Camp Seafarer. Middle school. Boarding school. College. "Rest. I have her" was all I could hear ringing--no, pounding-in my ears.

On the ride back home Robin and I were silent. Pretty unusual for us. We have our best conversations in the car. This day? Well, each of us was lost in our own thoughts. Did we fail as parents? Were we too rigid? Is she right,  is she just like everyone else in college? Is this the right thing? Are we jumping the gun? What if it doesn't work? What now?  Will life ever be the same again?   "Rest" He whispered.

I'm weary. Sad. Yet I am so proud of our girl. I'm excited to see what the Lord has in store for her. How will He use her? Will she listen to Him? Will she wait patiently on His help? Or will she just go through the motions? A means to an end. Appease us in order to get back to her college life of sorority sisters, boyfriends, and frat parties.

They say the first week is the hardest. No communication what so ever. After 7 days she can call us.  Miracles can happen in 7 days. God created the world in 7 days. We are cautiously optimistic.

It's a waiting game, really. I love the way Anne Graham Lotz describes what happens if we try to speed up the waiting. "If we grow impatient with waiting and take matters into our own hands, we will be in trouble. But if we wait on God, we will be blessed." 

At this point there really is nothing left to do. Be Still. Pray. Wait on the Lord. I know with all that I am His hand is all over this. At the end of the day? I'm still just a Mama. A woman who wants to wrap her arms around her beautiful girl. Tell her everything is going to be okay. But I can't do that. So I wait. I trust. Trust that she can feel all of the love that so many have for her. Trust that she feels Christ pulling her back to Him.

When I was a teenager I would occasionally share juicy gossip with my mother. She used to always say "Lillibet, don't judge anothers walk until you've hiked in their shoes". Ain't that the truth, Jane. You were far wiser than I gave you credit for.

The older I get I'm realizing, in the big scheme of things, we have no control. None what so ever. We can guide our kids, love them, provide the very best for them, raise them to treat others as you would like to be treated. But in the end? The decision is out of our hands. We have to let them go. Trust that God has them. Even through the poor decisions they make.

I view peoples circumstances differently now. I don't judge. I try not to have an opinion..admittedly this is hard for me :-).  And I most certainly have empathy. The shoe is on the other foot now. It's a tight squeeze. It hurts. There's a lesson in all of this.  Today? I am just trying patiently to rest in Him.

"The LORD is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble, And He knows those who take refuge in Him."-Nahum 1:7