Every day is a new symptom. Usually it's nothing. Or it's something. But no one knows what's causing it. Is it the migraines? Or the Lupus? Or the scleroderma? "We have no idea". Most days I mask the fear and frustration of the unknown with laughter, cooking, and sarcasm. Not necessarily in that order. And if we are being honest? Occasional agitation coupled with a good massage.
My last doctors appointment I talked to my friend (who is my family doctor) for 45 minutes about her kids. Spent 15 minutes on me. I needed resolution for yet another body part that is failing to cooperate. But I don't want to hound my friends. Become the friend they dread listening too. So I talk about them. During my appointments. Which I really enjoy, rather than talk about why I am there. Actually, sometimes, I am quite embarrassed to be there. Ridiculous, right? I need the focus to be on me but I don't want it to be. There is a tremendous sense of guilt. Like I'm disappointing everyone I love.
The Lord brought something really interesting to my mind. Why is it that I can't see Him but I'm not afraid of Him? I can't see this disease fully but it frightens me. I trust Him inexplicably for my salvation. For peace in my life. For watching over my family. For decisions. Finances. Why is it that I can't give this fear to Him?
Fear is not something, as Christians, we feel comfortable talking about. If we are fearful aren't we really saying "my faith isn't enough?" The world tells us that we are to be perfect. Perfect bodies, perfect house, perfect children, perfect career. That's a lie. That is the enemy telling us that we don't need God. We are in control. Our plans. Our best life. Some of the strongest Believers I know have tragedies in their lives. Broken marriages. Broken kids. They praise God in the face of these adversities because it causes them to lean on Him.
I sat in the pulmonologist office last week. I had already heard this talk two weeks earlier at Duke. He very candidly and kindly asked me if I understood the outcome of the disease. I do. Lung damage I have just a couple of years left. No lung damage decades of life to live. Albeit, uncomfortably, but I will live until the Lord comes to get all of us.
The fear gripped me again. I texted one of my best friends and told her how frightened I am. How I felt like a fraud for being scared. She immediately reminded me that it's okay to be scared. She encouraged me to do what she had done when her husband had a heart attack. She would verbally pray "I'm scared Lord. But, Lord, I trust you".
And maybe that's the point of anything that causes us strife. He wants us to long for Him more than making it right in a world where everything, as of late, seems wrong. Maybe He's trying to point all of us towards the ever lasting mercy, grace, and abundant love He has for us. To give us the hope of our eternal home.
Today, tomorrow may be a different story, my fear has subsided. I had a profound epiphany last night. There's truly nothing to fear. Whatever the outcome I will be with my Maker. I trust you, Lord.
"Yet I am confident that I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord"-Psalm 27:13-14
