I asked God to mark my lips. That only words that were pleasing and uplifting would be spoken (Ephesians 4:29). I asked that He would please lead because my will is fallible. His will is infallible.
We arrived on Saturday morning after a two hour drive. She eagerly met us on the front porch. My girl. No, my beautiful daughter turned into a lovely young woman in just 60 days. "Don't cry. She hates that." I told myself.
We loaded her things and drove the 5 mile trek to the beach. She showed us her running route. We stopped at Mellow Mushroom for gluten free pizza ( highly recommend). We went into my husbands favorite clothing store. Our oldest daughter was looking for a college graduation dress. I pulled some things out for my youngest. I stopped. I can no longer manipulate behavior by buying her things. She read my mind. "Mama, it's okay. I've destroyed y'all's trust. It will take time. I understand". "Don't cry. She hates that" I told myself.
We only had her for 24 hours. She had earned an overnight. Seventeen kids had been kicked out of the program she's participating in. She had hung in there. Made extraordinary progress despite the odds. She was rewarded with an overnight trip home. Praise God.
We had a family dinner at Granny's. Granddaddy prepared her favorite roast. We held hands to say the blessing. She led "Thank you God for this time together and for this food. Thank you for family. Please bless our words that they may be uplifting". Thank you, Lord for hearing me. Thank you Father for leading.
Saturday night we talked and we listened. She allowed us to ask questions. And she answered questions about her new life. We laughed. It was comfortable. And it felt like home. I was trying desperately not to be too preachy. It was hard. It's the fabric of who I am. Out of the blue she told her Daddy and me "I'm going to have a great testimony. No, actually I have an incredible testimony". Yes, darling you most certainly do! "Please don't cry she hates that." I told myself.
Before I went to sleep I looked into her childhood bedroom. The one I desperately want to redecorate. Pictures of her boyfriend, her ponies, her boarding school friends, and college sorority sisters grace her bookshelves. Left untouched since her departure. Pictures of the life that once was. The bedroom she insists stay the same. She was snoring softly. Her childhood dog,Tucker the corgi, was joyfully standing watch beside her bed. All was calm. Thank you, Lord. "Please don't cry she hates that" I told myself.
Sunday morning I made her favorite breakfast. My grown girls showed up to the table in matching clothing. Deja vu. They were in high school again. Life was innocent. Unmarred. Please God make time stand still. I squeezed my husbands hand as we blessed our meal. I tried to soak it all in. "Please don't cry she hates that" I told myself.
We had house church that afternoon and she had to be back for curfew. She helped her Daddy with the dishes. He helped pack up her Spring clothes to take back. We called her into our bedroom. We told her what an absolute joy it was having her home. We told her how proud we are of her. Her Dad told her the rules are still the same. Continue to work the program. There are no do-overs. You abuse again and you are on the street. "Please don't cry she hates that" I told myself.
We loaded the car. She hugged me first. And she held on tight. "I love you, Mama. Thank you." She and her older sister got in the car. And just like that they were gone. "Please don't cry she hates that" I told myself.
I hugged my husband as they pulled out of the driveway. "That was hard. She was a pleasure" he said. I went inside and wept. Not the agonizing sorrowful ugly crying that I had done the night we left her on the porch several weeks before. These were tears of joy. And tears of sadness too. Utter joy seeing the remarkable change God is doing in her life. Tears of sadness because quite frankly I adore her. I miss her. It's always a dull ache. Tears of apprehension. Was this real or just an act to appease us? Tears of pride. If it's real? wow, how remarkable she is.
If Christ was able to overcome the cross? Our girl can overcome all odds, right? We continue to be amazed by His mercy. His grace. As parents this is as real as it gets. This is truly tough love. We are having to walk what we are preaching. And it is so hard. Yet I know Gods plan for this child is a mighty one.
This weekend I saw hope. Kindness. Thoughtfulness. Honesty. Thankfulness. Forgiveness. Maturity. Not in words but in actions. I watched two sisters, who love each other immensely , reconnect. Forgive without words. I saw a glimmer of who God says my daughter is.
There are no guarantees. In fact the statistics are clearly stacked against her. That she will relapse. And quite frankly it is early. But there is hope. "Cautious optimism" as my husband likes to say. But I still believe in miracles. I believe in my daughter. I am choosing to believe God is able. No, actually I must believe that God is able.
How remarkable He is to allow us the privilege of this faith journey. How gracious He is to have picked a sinner like me to be her Mama.
"Please don't cry she hates that" I said to myself.
"Please don't cry she hates that" I said to myself.
"Behold, I am making all things new"- Revelation 21:5
