"You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen"- Ernest Hemingway
Everyone and their brother loves the fall season. Except me and evidently Ernest Hemingway . I am a UV10 kind of girl. The brighter the better. Fall to me represents shorter days which means less light and more time indoors. Fall also brings forth sad emotions for me. Both of my parents, prior to their death, started their rapid decline of health in the fall. My youngest child seemed to have repeated difficulty over the years in the fall. Fall to me represents loss. Great sadness.
Whenever this melancholy feeling hits I push it down. Bury it with as much activity as these bones can handle. This fall we are throwing a party and taking three trips. Tackling some major home projects. But in the still moments? Profound sadness. I find myself weeping in the quiet. I know He has a plan. My heart is still broken.
My husband and I both have found that we are, once again, sleeping with our clothes folded neatly beside the bed. Subconsciously waiting for the phone call in the middle of the night. My mother in law will occasionally text us after 11PM we both quietly jump to check our phones. We are still processing our past year. Still grieving. Still praying for a miracle. Still questioning our skill or lack there of as parents. Such sorrow.
A friend recently texted me this verse:
"You will never know who you are until you know who God is"-Exodus 3:6
I have read and re-read this verse repeatedly over the past several weeks. Have I not really known God all along? Is the enemy messing with me? My head knows that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. My flesh? I'm weary.
If you've walked the path of addiction, marital infidelity or even betrayal you understand the complete toll it takes on your entire family. Even when you remove yourself from the situation you find waves of emotion tend to skim to the surface at random moments. You question who you are. You question your sanity. You question your motives. It is through this process that we must have a firm foundation in Christ. If we don't we are giving satan an open invitation into our warfare.
So let's go back to Exodus 3:6. Who are you? Are you broken beyond repair? Or are you broken but know the repair is methodically, sometimes painfully, taking place by the Master surgeon?
Even Ernest Hemingway recognized the seasons that ebb and flow. Some seasons are tough. Lately I find myself going back to the cross. Picturing the emotional and physical pain Jesus went through. He knew His father was using Him to make the world right again. But the season was excruciating. He called out to the Father in desperation "My God My God why have you forsaken me?!" (Matthew 27:46) The pain and sorrow were more than he thought He could bare... even though He knew he would be in paradise soon.
Pretty sure God gave us seasons for a reason. Like anything it's our response to the outcome that matters. We are called to walk out life through all seasons in a holy manner. Even when we don't feel one bit of holiness inside of us. And I think that's okay. So long as we cry out to the Lord just as Jesus did. That is God's promise to us.
I love Romans 12:12 which says:
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."
If we can see Him in the season. If we can see Him in our affliction. If we faithfully call out to Him. The sorrow will pass. And just as Hemingway observed the river will flow again after it has been frozen. The season will pass and spring will return with new growth and beautiful blossoms.
"The Lord is my Shepard I lack nothing"-Psalm 23:1
