Who do you say you are?

If truth be told I've never fit in. I graduated from a huge high school. I never really fit in there. I managed to get a senior superlative based on how I dressed not who I was. Probably a good thing because at 18 years old I had absolutely no idea who I was. 

In college I never fit in either. I had a blast. I met the love of my life. I always ended up in the right places at the right time with the right people. {But} I never felt like I fit in. 

It's a sheer miracle I ended up with Robin Wooten. He has always seamlessly fit in anywhere. People love his company. He makes people feel at ease. Although shy he is great with small talk. I am not. I appear to be outgoing. That is only because when I'm nervous I talk...a lot. In reality, I'm not a joiner, I'm more of an observer unless you get me one on one. 

I have a beautiful  friend in another town. Our kids went to the same school and for a time we were neighbors at the beach. I used to watch her with awe. She never met a stranger, her smile lights up five counties at a time, and people are her pleasure. She is that person who makes you feel like you are the special one. She would invite us to wonderful parties. My husband ate it up--right up his alley. Although I was always so appreciative of being included it was painful for me. Give me an intimate group of couples or a handful of girlfriends--that's easy for me. Lots of people? Not so much.

We have one daughter who is a social butterfly and one who is an introvert.  I admire our extrovert daughter for her pure pleasure in being in the thick of things. Socializing is easy for her.  I admire our introvert daughter because she knows who she is. I love that she is totally okay with being by herself.  They both  know who they are in Christ. In this day and age that is literally a miracle.

I minored in Journalism. I love interviewing people. I love figuring out what makes people tick. I have a keen ability to discern. It's easy to interview people because most people love to talk about themselves. When I can get people talking about themselves I can easily figure out who they really are. Not who they say they are. {But} who they are inside.

When I was first going through the Lupus diagnosis process I had no idea who I was. Yes, I was a wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, and friend. Was I now a sick person, too? I knew enough to know people don't want to hear about it or be around it. Do you blame them? 

The good news? Christ has led me on this incredible journey to teach me who I was, who I am not, who I am,  and who I need to be. He clearly has shown me that who I thought I should be or wanted to be were not a good fit for me.

He has placed the exact people I needed, and who hopefully needed me, in my life at the perfectly ordained time. He has taught me to let go because, well,  that's all I can do. He's taught me that being out of control is being in His control. He's taught me that temporal worldly discomfort is just that --temporary. He's led me to beautiful friends. He's taught me to be a friend. He's taught me that being worried about what others think is irrelevant. What's relevant is what He thinks.

We sat in a precious Nephrologists office late yesterday afternoon. Another divinely appointed meeting. He is a former classmate of my husbands, best friend to one of my favorite people in the world, and a Jesus lover just like me. 

There's something comforting about receiving not so great news from a messenger you know was sent by God.  Like all of my other doctors, who have blessed me with their friendship, I know this meeting was a God thing.

I am a woman who has a body that is not working properly. I am a woman who in all probability, if Jesus doesn't come first, will eventually loose this fight. I've racked my brain as to why He hasn't healed me. I don't stress over it.  I'm not angry or sad anymore. I am just truly perplexed. 

When we were told yesterday that the disease has progressed into my kidneys I was calm as a cucumber. Robin seemed a bit uneasy and quiet. Not me. I asked questions about the kidney biopsy, the blood work, the progression, the treatment strategy. I was completely and totally calm. Not "woe is me" calm. Not "well, I expected as such" calm. Not "i give up" calm. Just at total peace.

{And} then it hit me. This journey is not about the disease. it's not about the fact that there's no cure. It's about the fact that I was a hot mess when I first became sick. I was devastated, angry, and self obsessed with my symptoms. I didn't know who I was. I had lost my identity.  Maybe that was the point! I had to loose me in order to find Him.

The revelation is that it's about walking in the freedom of Christ. It's about serving others, helping others, praying for others, guiding others, empathizing with others, loving others, sharing with others, giving my heart to others .  It's about telling others that NOTHING, absolutely nothing,  in our lives is permanent or un-redeemable. It's about throwing up our hands and saying "God, I can not do this! I am choosing to give it ALL to you! I trust you! Please make my life what you know it is suppose to be! I relinquish all of it, absolutely all of it, to you. Right now from this day forward!"

My favorite Dermatologist in the whole world texted me. "How did it go????"

In the quiet of the Doctor's office I figured it out. It is about being who He knew I was all along.

As we left the office I texted my beautiful friend back. "I am my Maker's daughter. It will be OK".

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions,
in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"-2 Cor. 12:9-10