For six months I've been having difficulty swallowing. A constant feeling of choking. I mentioned it to my Doctor at Duke at my last checkup. She didn't seem to be concerned. She was more concerned with the progression of my Raynaud's. Raynaud's (ray-NOHZ) disease causes some areas of your body — such as your fingers and toes — to feel numb and cold in response to cold temperatures or stress. In Raynaud's disease, smaller arteries that supply blood to your skin narrow, limiting blood circulation to affected areas (vasospasm). I mentioned the choking to my GP. She thought there may be a correlation between the two. She scoped me that day. Which led me to the surgeon.
Lupus is a funny thing. You spend years with symptoms and then one day it goes dormant. Then all of the sudden it's like opening Pandora's box. Your body goes haywire again. Only worse than it had initially. My scalp is covered in open sores. I have alopecia, my skin is covered in sores, my legs are covered in superficial broken veins, my feet and hands are purple, my kidneys are slowing causing swollen extremities, my voice is hoarse. I have random migraines which make my face droop similar to a stroke. My short term memory is just about non-existent. My joints are on fire, my cheeks are always bright red. My face and body are inflamed and swollen. I'm exhausted beyond reprieve by 2PM each and every single day. Now I can't swallow without feeling like I'm choking. Awesome.
After spending 30 minutes with the gastroenterologist she gave us her opinion. She thinks my esophagus is not functioning. Specifically she thinks I'm presenting with CREST syndrome. I already have all of the symptoms that make up each letter of the disease acronym "CREST" except for the "S". My esophagus is presenting like the "S" which is scleroderma. It literally means "hardening of the skin". There is no cure. Your organs: heart, lungs, kidneys, esophagus, face, and hands eventually harden. Stop functioning. It's one of many spin off autoimmune diseases of Lupus. It used to be a death sentence. It now has a life expectancy of 10-15 years. Or it could be the actual sphincter muscle at the base of the esophagus has just quit working. Neither of these scenarios looks real promising to me. My body hates me.
After scheduling two more tests we left the GI's office. I got in the car and started to cry. "Seriously, God! What the hell do you want from me? My thyroid is shot. I have GERD, IBS, hypertension, connective tissue disease, migraines, life threatening allergies, Lupus and now this! How much more can my body take? How much more can my husband take?!" The whole way home I sulked. Felt sorry for myself. I texted one of my best friends who happens to be my dermatologist. I unloaded on her. Bombarded her with medical questions. It was selfish. Immature. That night I told my husband where I wanted my funeral, what music to play. He literally laughed at me. "You're not dead yet. You haven't even had the tests yet. Let's just see what they show". "Why bother?" I thought "there is no cure anyway".
On Sunday we had house church. "Thank God!" I thought. I was anxious to continue my pity party with my girlfriends. To have them pray for me. Listen to me since my husband wouldn't even engage me. It never dawned on me (and my selfish banter) that real prayers were in order. We have two people in our group who have cancer. One friend has brain cancer. The other throat cancer.
Sunday night, after our lesson and delicious meal, we all gathered in the dining room. We prayed and laid hands on Scott who has throat cancer. We prayed for Scott and his treatment plan. We prayed for a painless radiation journey. An uneventful round of chemotherapy. We prayed for his wife. His children. Both Scott and our friend Karen, who has brain cancer, face horrific treatment. They both have to wear Freddy Kruger style face masks which are bolted on during their radiation treatment. The chemo will cause both of them to loose their hair. They face permanent damage to their vocal chords. They both are literally fighting for their lives. Both face leaving spouses and children behind. And, yet, both of them are filled with the love of Christ. The peace that surpasses all understanding.
In that dining room, with all 20 of us praying, I felt ridiculous. Selfish. Humbled. Embarrassed. Scott proceeded to tell us that he considered his cancer one of the greatest blessings of his life. Cancer had strengthened his marriage. Caused him to realize what was important in life. He was so proud of the Godly lives his children were living. He was hopeful that his cancer would lead others to Christ. Hopeful that he would be a blessing to those he met in treatment. Tears streamed down my cheeks. "Lord, forgive me" was all I could hear ringing in my ears. "I'm inconvenienced. But I'm alive. I have nothing to complain about".
Our adversities aren't meant to punish us. Or paralyze us. They are meant to teach us. I love the verse
2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!"
When we are living for this world we miss the lesson. We become so focused on self that we don't see the big picture. All we see is what is wrong. What is missing. What needs to be fixed. If we are living in this world but living for Him? We are living by faith. We have the Holy Spirit inside us. We are completely prepared for all that life throws at us. The Lord has equipped us. He has given us the answers to the test!
He has a plan for us. Our difficulties and adversities are to teach us to rely on Him in all things. Without Him we will never have peace. Understanding. Clarity. Happiness. Love for others. The answer lies in slowly dying to this world and ultimately to ourselves. The more we die to ourselves? The more this senseless world makes sense. More of you, Jesus, and less of me. That's the answer to the test. All the junk in the middle? It's the good stuff. The world tells us it's the bad stuff. Satan tries to convince us it's the end. Actually, it's just the beginning. Without it we wouldn't realize how much we need Him. How much He loves us. How good life is in Him.
"Jesus replied, 'You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.'"-John 13:7
