I tossed and turned all last night. I'm not afraid of the future. It's pretty simple: dialysis or transplant. I like choices. These are not great choices. At least the guessing will be over. And that does not mean these things will happen today, tomorrow, or even 10 years from now.
You know what I'm scared of? Okay, do not laugh. That big gigantic needle. And the bedpan. There I said it. It won't last long. Actually child birth was probably worse. I survived that twice. With c-sections. It will be okay. Just don't think about the needle.
It's temporal, as all worldly things are. But I am still human. I dread being uncomfortable. Which is weird because the majority of my physical existence is uncomfortable. Something I rarely admit to anyone but my husband. People just don't want to hear about illness. Heck, I hate listening to it. It's depressing.
So last night I prayed "Let this be it. The final thing I have to go through. Lord, just heal me. Please, Please, Please. Lord just heal me. I don't understand. But You do. Just heal me. Let me be normal again". Silence. No response.
At 2 AM I awoke to these words ringing in my head. For hours they just repeated. On rewind. Over and over again.
This is my revelation
Christ Jesus crucified
Salvation through repentance
At the cross on which He died
Now hear my absolution
Forgiveness for my sin
And I sink beneath the waters
That Christ was buried in
I will rise, I will rise
As Christ was raised to life
Now in Him, now in Him I live
I stand a new creation
Baptized in blood and fire
No fear of condemnation
By faith I'm justified
I will rise, I will rise
As Christ was raised to life
Now in Him, now in Him I live
I rise as You are risen
Declare Your rule and reign
My life confess Your Lordship
And glorify Your Name
Your Word it stands eternal
Your Kingdom knows no end
Your praise goes on forever
An on and on again
No power can stand against You
No curse assault Your throne
No one can steal Your glory
For it is Yours alone
I stand to sing Your praises
I stand to testify
For I was dead in my sin
But now I rise, I will rise
As Christ was raised to life
Now in Him, now in Him I live
I will rise, I will rise
As Christ was raised to life
Now in Him, now in Him I live
Christ Jesus crucified
Salvation through repentance
At the cross on which He died
Now hear my absolution
Forgiveness for my sin
And I sink beneath the waters
That Christ was buried in
I will rise, I will rise
As Christ was raised to life
Now in Him, now in Him I live
I stand a new creation
Baptized in blood and fire
No fear of condemnation
By faith I'm justified
I will rise, I will rise
As Christ was raised to life
Now in Him, now in Him I live
I rise as You are risen
Declare Your rule and reign
My life confess Your Lordship
And glorify Your Name
Your Word it stands eternal
Your Kingdom knows no end
Your praise goes on forever
An on and on again
No power can stand against You
No curse assault Your throne
No one can steal Your glory
For it is Yours alone
I stand to sing Your praises
I stand to testify
For I was dead in my sin
But now I rise, I will rise
As Christ was raised to life
Now in Him, now in Him I live
I will rise, I will rise
As Christ was raised to life
Now in Him, now in Him I live
So I know, now, that as Christ was raised to life, so will I be. It may not happen today. It may not happen tomorrow . But I will rise. I will be healed. I am to stand to sing His praises. I am called to testify. Why? Before all of this happened to me I was spiritually dead. Now I live. I'm uncomfortable, yes. But I have a new life in Him. Regardless of the circumstance. He has me in the palm of his hand.
God is so good y'all! He is good. Plain and simple. There is NO ONE. Not a single human being on this earth that can save you. Heal you. Comfort you. Love you. Understand you. Only Jesus Christ alone. That is enough for me.
What about you?
What about you?
"When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations
delight my soul."
-Psalm 94:19
-Psalm 94:19
